i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize