My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
