if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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