i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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