do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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