my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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