I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
