You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
