ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
