if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
