do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
