i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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