it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize