The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
