You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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