Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
