You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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