I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I forget how to act sober
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