Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
