you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
