Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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