I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
