I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
