i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
