Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
