just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
