The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
