She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
