One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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