I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
