Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I can tuck mytits in my pants
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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