Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
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