Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
