I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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