I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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