i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
