I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Randomize
