dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
People in love make me want to vomit
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
