two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
