Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
