You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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