i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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