The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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