your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I enjoy the company of your penis
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
