You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
