Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
