just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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