Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
