textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
