So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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