hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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