She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You are the jesus of drinking
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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