I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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