i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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