Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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