She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
