if i can run in heels then i can drive
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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