Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
