I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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