I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
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