WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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