Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Randomize
